A BRIEF PARAGRAPH ON THE EACH OF THE FIRST ROUND NBA MATCHUPS:
JAZZ/SPURS
I saw the Jazz in person and I really took away two things. First, Al Jefferson looks like a big fat dude on TV, but in real like he is actually pretty in-shape. And second, Jeremy Evans can jump high into the air. The Jazz sort of resemble the Grizzlies-of-last-year on paper, which is to say they have some big guys who can rebound and score, but they don’t have the wing defense of that particular group of miscreants. Should be fun, though. The Spurs are super-fun all of a sudden, Thrillsap is a joy, Gordon is a cutie pie.
MAVERICKS/THUNDER
What happens if the Thunder freakishly lose this series? If that happens, is it safe to assume Brooks gets shit-canned? Is it safe to assume they lost close games because no one figured out that you can run Durant off a screen for a low percentage shot? Is it safe to assume Westbrook had a bad series? Is everyone clamoring for him to be traded? Is he traded for Rondo? Would that be THE MOST entertaining series of all time?
NUGGETS/LAKERS
Anyone who thinks the Lakers are contenders: why? They were swept out of the second round last year. This year they have a (Substantially) worse coach, a star player who is, by every metric that isn’t “Points per game” worse this year and seems to be entirely too concerned with his legacy, a worse backup shooing guard, a worse fourth best player, and your fifth best player is suspended for four games. If they get out of this round, their probable match up is their worst match up. And even the first round they’re playing a team that is better than their record (The Nuggets have lived an injury nightmare), who’s best scorer plays the same position as the your best wing defender who is suspended because of a Looney-Tunes elbow, whose starting point guard is maybe the fastest player in the league, whose backup point guard can dominate both of your point guards on the block, and who move the ball really well, and who were bad in the clutch for a while, but have since figured that shit out?
CLIPPERS/GRIZZLIES
If Z-Bo is going to be ZEE-BOO in the playoffs, he’s going to get going here. I think people give Blake entirely too much shit. I think he’s got a lot of skills that a more creative coach could exploit. But he’s an awful defender with tiny arms, and strong as fuck Z-Bo with the seven some odd feet wingspan could very well beat the living daylights out of defense-Blake.
SIXERS/BULLS
I think that the Sixers tanked the second half of the season because they decided that the Bulls were their best match up and wanted them in the first round. They even started losing close games so that they could act like they don’t know how to execute. They lost to the Wizards so that everyone would say “HEY, THESE DUDES LOST TO THE WIZARDS!” They’re a snake in the grass, waiting to pounce. Just watch.
KNICKS/HEAT
Tyson is so cool. Remember when he helped all of those old dudes validate their livelihoods? Then he moved to New York to kick it with chill dudes like J. Lin esp., Amar’e Finest, Landriee F, JR Rider, Steve “The Pale Cowboy” Novak, and Baron Davis? Carmelo isn’t as cool, he shoots too much, but I guess it’s sort of neat that a fat guy can play (Non-Baseball) professional sports.
MAGIC/PACERS
It’s been a hard year for the Magic. All of the drama surrounding Dwight and SVG, the trade rumors, the high emotions, the in consistent play. Look, I believe that Dwight is one of the best players in the league right now. We can pick apart his offensive game, sure, but he shoots over 50% from the field, and he’s not a great foul shooter, no, but he’s not Shaq or Deandre bad. He keeps it around sixty. And his defense is generational. He’s a defense by himself. I know that the Pacers are good, but with Dwight in the middle and the possibility of those shooters getting hot, I believe that the Orlando Magic can…
Oh, Back surgery? What? Out for the Olympics? Pacers in 4.
CELTICS/HAWKS
All I want from this series is Ivan Johnson getting ejected in Atlanta because he has a fight with KG that he won, and everyone starts chanting “I-VAN I-VAN” and he slaps some hands on the way out and becomes a cult legend. It might be the only thing I want from the playoffs at all.
NBA AWARDS IN MY HUMBLE OPINION
Look, I’m not a frickin professional NBA writer. I’m just a man who likes a basketball game, a pretzel crisp, and just a little lovin’ in the afternoon. But I love lists. Lists and fake teams and awards. You know Bleacher Report slide shows? In my heart of hearts, I think they’re dumb, I really do. But if you make a list of something and stick it in a slide show, I have a hard time not seeing the thing through even if it seems like it was written by a moderately literate baby and I know I’m being manipulated into giving whatever site I’m looking at hits.
So, All-NBA? Obsessed. Well, not obsessed, but I get a sort of visceral jolt from it. I suppose “Viceral” is a bad word for the feeling I get when I read a list.
MOST IMPROVED PLAYER: NIKOLAI PEKOVIC
Dumb award, or incomplete award. Of course players get better in their second years, so giving it to a second year player (Like Pek.) is a little silly.
Someone like Lin is pretty reasonable, I guess, but doesn’t he SEEM like a rookie in a lot of ways? Was he really an NBA player last year? Question: will we see more players like Lin in the next few years? Spent a lot of time in college, needed D-League time to become a contributing player?
Or there’s Illyosova or Anderson, who had a big year in a contract year. Of course they had a big year in a contract year. They want a bigger contract. Maybe there should be an award for best contract year. The league forces the worst team in the league to offer the player a max contract. They also have to build a statue of the player.
How cool would it be if all of the trophies were sculptures of the winners? Answer: really cool.
Okay, Pek. When Rubio went out and the T-Wolves started slipping everyone said the loss of Rubio was the sole reason. And it was a major factor, but just a big a factor was Pek getting injured around the same time. When he and Love are healthy and playing, they get all of the rebounds. The Timberwolves CRUSHED smaller teams this year. I watched all three (?) T-Wolves/Rockets games this year, and it was basically a BDSM convention. The Rockets were whipped into submission.
The Wolves would have definitely made the playoffs if Rubio and Pek stayed healthy. Major bummer.
6TH MAN OF THE YEAR: JAMES HARDEN
Oh, no shit?
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: KYRIE IRVING
No one else remembers, but I remember: a lot of people were saying Williams would be better than Kyrie. I hope Williams does something significant with his career someday, or everyone will remember him for one of the all-time lame dunk contest outings.
If Rubio had stayed healthy, I would have been a contrarian and said Rubio. He is a better defender and passer. Basically, I like watching him more.
I didn’t watch the Cavs a whole bunch this year. I did watch Kyrie ice Afflalo and create a full court fast break out of thin air, though. That was weird.
Faried might be better than Kyrie right now, bit he played fewer games.
ALL ROOKIE TEAM
1st: Rubio, Irving, Kenneth Faried, Kawhi Leonard, I. Thomas
2nd: MarShon Brooks, Iman Shumpert, Ivan Johnson, Chandler Parsons, Klay Thompson
Voters: If you don’t vote for Ivan, he’ll kill you.
DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR: TONY ALLEN
You know what? I don’t need to go along with the “Tyson” crowd! Look, I think Tyson might win, I think Tyson is a good pick. I can go along with “Boy, Dwight has been a terrible person” line of thinking. But a wing defender hasn’t won for a long time, and Tony is a tremendous wing defender who creates turnovers and sets the tone for his defensive team. He’s also just a joy to watch.
ALL DEFENSIVE TEAM:
1st: Tyson Chandler, Dwight Howard, Lebron James, Tony Allen, Rajon Rondo
2nd: Andre Igoudola, Marc Gasol, Kevin Garnett, Josh Smith, Avery Bradley
Chris Paul gets a lot of steals because he gambles a lot. He is an overrated defender who lacks tools. (He has short arms.)
Serge Ibaka gets a lot of blocks because he is a good shotblocker, but his man always goes crazy.
I might have said Rubio this year, but he got injured. He’s very good at defense. (He has long arms)
If Kobe is all-D this year, I will kill someone. I have personally watched his man shoot a clutch three like, a billion times.
COACH OF THE YEAR: POP.
I might also be tempted to say Hollins, Thibs, or Vogel. Pop is just too bad a man, though. Remember when he tore into that reporter who asked about “Keys to the game?” The greatest. He also co-owns a winery.
SPORTSMANSHIP AWARD:
Demarcus Cousins.
CITIZENSHIP AWARD:
I don’t actually have a strong opinion about this, but I found it very touching and admirable when Lebron did what he could to bring attention to the Travon Martin incident. If he won, I wouldn’t be angry about it.
ALL NBA TEAMS:
1st: Lebron James, Kevin Durant, Dwight Howard, Chris Paul, Dwyane Wade
2nd: Kevin Love, Josh Smith, Marc Gasol, Tony Parker, Russell Westbrook
3rd: Al Jefferson, Paul Pierce, Andre Bynum, Rajon Rondo, James Harden
-I am perfectly willing to admit that I might have an Anti-Kobe bias: BUT HE SHOOTS .430 AND HE NEVER TAKES THREES SO WHY DO PEOPLE THINK HE’S HAVING HIS BEST SEASON EVER AGAIN
-I am also wiling to admit that my list doesn’t really account for the fact that the Pacers, Lakers, Nuggets, Jazz and Bulls exist. I didn’t say I was good at this.
MVP: LEBRON JAMES
There was a solid five or so minutes where I thought Durant might pry it out of BBBPOTP’s hands, but the Thunder went on that losing streak and made a few fart noises.
WHO I’LL MISS IN THE PLAYOFFS:
The Kings, The Timberwolves, The Bucks, Steve Nash, Boogie.
TOMORROW: ONE OR TWO THOUGHTS ON ALL THE PLAYOFF MATCHUPS
In many ways, the life of a professional athlete is enviable. Fortune, fame, see the world, the chance to be an important voice in a community, the opportunity to help people. It must be fantastic.
But, it must occasionally seem like a sting of dumb bullshit you have to do.
This is the second time I’m writing this post because Tumblr lost it when I published. Thanks, Tumblr! At least it will be shorter this time.
THE NBA GAMES I WATCHED LAST NIGHT
JAZZ at BLAZERS
-I went to the Blazers/Jazz game last night! I needed to get a bunch of coupons so I could continue working this casino, so I had to go to the Blazer game and take a shit-ton of programs. I got 183 in total. Good seats, I went alone. For some reason, there was no one near me: I was very alone there on the 100 Level.
-I bought this Raymond Felton shirt last night. I was at the game and I thought: “Hey, I like shirts and I like the Portland trail blazers: I should buy a Trail Blazers shirt!” I was hoping to get a red shirt, but they didn’t have the one I was looking for, and another red shirt was pretty expensive. So I started browsing through some black shirts. I saw Gerald Wallace, and it made me sad. I love Gerald Wallace, it bums me out that he had to get traded. Bummer. I saw Jammal Crawford. Belch. I saw Wes Matthews. A little Wes Matthews for my taste, personally. Lamarcus is great, but he’s also not really, you know, exciting. Batum wasn’t on sale. Then, I saw Raymond Felton.
It all came rushing back, like in a movie where someone’s amnesia is cured. The Turnovers. The missed threes. The Cupacke Picture. The late game mistakes. Watching him complain and blame everything on Nate. The stories about him poisoning the well against Nate. I thought about how good Andre Miller had been, this year, and how much I liked watching him. I thought about how he was so bad, so toxic, they couldn’t trade his expiring contract for a second round pick. I thought about how, after the fallout, Nate getting fired and everyone getting traded, he stepped his game up to preserve his miserable career when the Blazers needed to lose to improve their pick. I thought about my protracted fantasy where we trade Ray to the Bobcats, and Michael Jordan sees him in the hall. MJ is smoking a giant, 10,000 dollar cigar and wearing the worst outfit possible (In my fantasy, it’s a canary vest, a grey paisley shirt, and oversized, artificially faded and ripped jeans, and purple Wallabees.) MJ sees Felton, a broken and sad man. He laughs, puffs on his cigar, blows it in Ray’s face, and says, in that equally marketable and cruel baritone: “I’ll bet you thought you could get away from me.” Then, he keeps walking, laughing and smoking.
The shirt was so evocative, I had no choice. I plopped down my 12 dollars and walked out with my purchase. I also became a fat guy in tribute to Raymond, as you can see.
-Nolan Smith appears in every video they play at the Rose Garden, mugs at the camera before the game, played guard for 40 minutes last night, registered zero assists, and played for Duke. He is, in his own way, more annoying than Raymond Felton. Also, Johnny Flynn is on the Blazers. My broader point is, if they Blazers don’t get a point guard in free agency, I will be annoyed.
-I was there when Hasheem Thabeet started at center for the Blazers. My children will hear about this.
-Caleb wants that job more than anything in the world.
THE NBA GAMES I’VE WATCHED LATELY
Oh, yeah, I write this thing on my Tumblr! Whoops! I’ve just been so amped about baseball season. The grass! The crack of the bat! The The statistics! The old white guys calling young white men “Great kid!” The grand tradition of pitching mechanics destroying arms! That awesome home run sculpture!
Not really, I’ve just been A: Lazy. B: Trying to spend some time doing “Other things” before the playoffs start and I don’t do “Other things.” Also, this casino scam takes up a disproportionate amount of time.
Short thoughts on games I’ve watched over the last week or so:
-KNICKS AT BUCKS
-Sometimes near the beginning of the season, Brandon Jennings killed the Knicks at MSG, and it was pretty great. Carmelo got ejected for fighting with him at the end of the game, it was a delight. That didn’t happen in this game, which the Bucks lost.
-Monta had a big game, though. What’s gonna happen with these dudez? In the future? Sort of seems like Brandon doesn’t give a shit about remaining with the Bucks and he does give a shit about not living in the midwest, but what major market is going to want him?
Isn’t he on a team with a slightly taller version of himself that is a better passer? Was part of this trade the Bucks preparing for Jennings’ exit? YAWN BORING
CLIPPERS at THUNDER and THUNDER at CLIPPERS
I didn’t watch these games.
THE SNUGGLETS at THE HUGGING WOLVES
-The Nuggets didn’t hold this lead because they started settling and Derrick Williams staring hitting a lot of threes. The Nuggets are one of my favorite teams to watch, but boy, they’ve got some “Cover the shooter” problems.
What’s gonna happen to Derrick Williams? Am I the only person who remembers people saying he would be better than Kyrie? They did. Why did people say that?
GRIZZLIES at CLIPPERS
Yeah, I think I watched this. Apparently Marc Gasol had seven assists? I love that dude. Maybe I didn’t watch this.
ROCKETS at NUGGETS
Watching the Nuggets blow dudes out is one of my favorite things. AT a certain point, it’s like watching a tidal wave: you missed, they ran, you drowned.
NUGGETS at ROCKETS:
But, you know what? Watching them win close games is fun too!
Three of the Nuggets starters, Ty Lawson, Gallo, and Afflalo, can shoot threes, drive to the basket, and will willingly pass. At some point during this game, I saw them spread across the three point line and thought about how crazy that is. Is there another team like that?
I’m not really very militant about the anti flopping cause. But, watching a guy pump fake and jump into his defender and get a call is pretty annoying. I don’t really think it should be an O-foul or anything. Just maybe have the refs not call it, you know?
Dragic on the Blazers. I might want him more than Deron, because even though Deron is better at basketball, he also seems like a bit of a coach killer, not fun to cheer for.
I can’t watch the Rockets with sound: Clyde is just too awful at announcing.
BLAZERS at KINGS
Listening to Mike Rice get militant about fouls and travels and flops is so irritating. Chill out, dude, you sound like a guy obsessing over the Kenedy assassination. I hope the Kings get it together, on and off court. My favorite non-playoff-not-even-close team this year.
I’ll be better at this when the playoffs start, I swear.
THE NBA GAMES I’VE WATCHED blah blah blah
Knicks-Bucks should be a barn burner (Jennings and Melo dislike each other, and Shumpert can’t guard Monta and Brandon, and there are apparently playoff implications.)
USA vs. WORLD:
-I went to the Nike Hoop Summit! It was great! My mom and I had TERRIFIC TERRIFIC Tickets, Row A in the middle section, we got them off Groupon for five bucks and a small pile of jelly beans mixed with dog shit. I think groupon is running a Poop-related fuel economy car buisness on the side. here is what I thought!
-Shabazz Muhammed took a fuck ton of shots! No other way to say it! Millions! He has the first 135 points for USA. Since I was watching a scouting event, I thought, “Oh, that’s impressive” but if I was watching an NBA game I would have said “What a fucking ball hog.” He really looks and acts like an NBA player: he talks to the refs constantly, dribble drive, good dunker, seems focused. When you’re that close, the eyes are a weird thing: you can see what the players are looking at. Shabbaz looked at his opponent’s eyes.
-Nerlans Noel is apparently the biggest prospect in the country other than Shabbaz? I could sort of notice? He blocked some dudez. Look, I’m not going to beat around the bush. Tremendous fade. His haircut is freaking amazing and he can jump 1,000 feet in the frickin’ air and he’s the tallest guy on the planet except…
-Whang! Giant Chinese dude! The kid behind me said “Go eat noodles” or something when Nerlans blocked him, and I thought that was pretty racist, but he has the best play of the night, a dunk-block and a follow up crushing block. If/when Whang is in the NBA, I’m into it.
-Wiggins was also very good, and he didn’t take nearly as many shots as Shabbaz. Look, I know that “Winning” is sort of only a fringe factor in a game like the Nike Hoop Summit, but it really seemed like the USA team was better when Shabbaz was taking less shots. It was weird.
-Tony Parker is an American player who is a forward, I think, and is a little huskier. Weird, right?
-Oh, Anthony Bennet, from Canada? That dude doesn’t wear any fucking warm-ups. He’s a savage.
-I yelled (A Compliment) at the FreeDarko guy. My mom said it was okay, but I don’t really know.
BULLS at KNICKS
-Shuuummmpppeeerrrttt. One of the great joys of watching the NBA is watching some defensive-monster-wing-man impose his will on a comparatively weak superstar. Whenever Rose went to ISO Shumpert, there was never a queston of what was going to happen. He was doomed.
-Oh, so that’s why people think Carmelo is a great NBA player? Oh, okay. (I’d still rather have Josh Smith, but whatevs).
-I don’t think the Bulls are better without Rose. But we all know who’s getting the ball at the end of the game, and that’s not great. I will say, watching Shumpert Co-ordinate that switch was great, and watching him trip Rose was even better. DE-FENSE DE-FENESE
ROCKETS at BLAZERS
Dragic gunning for the hearts of Blazer fans so we’ll demand Portland pay him is really a delight. So ready for the Goron Dragic era. Already bought my dragic jersey
THE NBA GAMES I WATCHED LAST NIGHT:
THUNDER at HEAT:
Lately, my parents have been playing this scheme where they print out match play coupons at local casinos, go in, play against against each other at the baccarat tables, and split the winnings. I need to pay my student loans, so me and a friend of mine have been going with them. They plays sports in the casinos, so I watched little parts of the first three or so quarters of the game in casinos. I also listened to an sad old dude at a casino on a weekday complain about Raymond Felton, and even chimed in because I also dislike Raymond Felton. Have you heard Felton say that he might be around next year? I really mean this: if the Blazers re-sign Felton, I will stop rooting for the Blazers until he’s traded. At one point I was at one casino, Westbrook flagrant’ed Lebron, then when I arrived at the next casino, the Heat had caught up.
Anyway, I also watched the 4th Quarter, and I can honestly say that that was a terrific, tense game of basketball. That Durant ISO at the end of the game was really very, very awful, and watching Perkins miss those free throws was like a Todd Slondz movie.
LAKERS at CLIPPERS
Hey, Vinnie! Deandre can’t cover Bynum! You should double him, he’s not a great passer! Hey, Vinnie! No one on your team can cover Kobe! You should double him, he’ll try to shoot over the double and miss!
Christ, Vinnie.
THE NBA GAMES I’VE WATCHED LATELY (Two days, I think.)
BULLS at THUNDER and GRIZZLIES at THUNDER
Wasn’t it funny, how much better the Grizzlies did defending the Thunder than the Bulls? Isn’t it odd? Proposed reasons:
1. Grizzlies are great at forcing turnovers, the Thunder are turnover prone.
2. They play them more, so they “Get” playing them more.
I like the first one more, because it makes tactile sense, while the latter makes narrative sense, which is my least favorite kind of sensical sports argument.
Watching Arenas effectively defend Durant was one of the single strangest things I’ve seen all year. Marc had a great behind the back pass that wasn’t converted. I can’t find it on Youtube. Lost forever, I guess.
Omer Asik is dead. I dislike the Bulls a lot, and watching them get fucking punked by the Thunder was just tremendous. It was the kind of punking you tell your children about. “Son, I remember one time, near the end of the season, I saw the Thunder just completely punk the shit out of the Bulls. They looked like real assholes out there. It was incredible, how punked these dudes got.”
Hey, Oklahoma announcers? You’re on my shit list! First, they massively mischaracterized the Arenas-Locker-Room-Incident, and they spend entirely too much time picking apart fouls and looking for bullshit. Chill out, dudes. Yeah, Marc Gasol throws an elbow or two, he’s Marc Gasol! That’s why he’s cool!
Whenever Westbrook and Harden are playing together, and Harden is running the point, Westbrook camps out on the three point line. Why? Shouldn’t he cut? He’s fast as shit and his hands are big, it could be really effective.
Oh, apparently Speights got t’d up for yelling “Ball Don’t Lie” last night. The NBA is basically a fascist police state now. Sheed needs to come back and free his people from this tyranny.
“LET MY PEOPLE GO”
HEAT at CELTICS
-You really think the Heat gives a shit about seeding? If I were the Heat, I’d be more scared of Orlando than the Bulls, and Orlando is pretty 1st round punkable.
-Rondo only getting triple doubles on national TV is hilarious. Rondo is the best. I love the moment when you realize he’s gunning: jumping into Paul Pierce for rebounds, giving up fast break layups for assists. A real treat.
NCAA FINAL:
I only watched half, because I’m a pro-ball snob and Grizz-Thunder was on my calendar. That thing Anthony Davis does, where he blocks and rebounds in one movement is really tremendous. “Character” is a point of emphasis among college-talking-heads: that’s the silliest thing of all time, right? The entire system is rotting from the inside, the players are just dudes who work hard and have exceptional physical gifts (Sometimes they’re gigantic assholes see: Jordan, Michael, or massively irresponsible see: Pippen, Scottie). Hard to see what that really has to do with “Character.”
I totally don’t understand Calapari’s offense. Most of the time, they pass above the three point line six times, then cut? I don’t know. I’m not a smart man.
